- location:Australia, Adelaide
- mood: amused
I don't usually let it show to people but I do. I get in these worry spirals (or nosedives? What's that thing a plane does when it spirals towards the ground like it's going to crash, for an aerial stunt? That. What is that? A death spiral?) where I lock in on something pointless. Like just now! Yeah, I didn't plan that. I'm just going stream-of-consciousness. This sounds pretentious. But yeah, these useless things, like random words or names or stories or trains of thought I just fixate on and I honestly can't just shrug it off. If I forget a name I will focus on that, maybe push it to the back of my mind if there's other things at hand but it won't go away till I've solved it. And when I do, I get this rush of relief. It's ridiculous! And I know that it's ridiculous. I'm worried this entry is ridiculous and pointless.
Over the last few years, since uni started essentially, I've tried to reinforce a new though to override this, especially when it comes to worrying about what other people think of me or about other things or what they're thinking or if they've taken what I've said in the way I intended. This thought is, "Who gives a fuck." It does honestly help, sometimes. By telling myself I don't care what people think I can occasionally convince myself it's true. I still really worry about it.
One of the big ones is outing myself to people. Ugh, it's such a chore! I try to tell myself it's none of anyone else's business, they don't need to know and I have no obligation to announce it. Half the time, people who are all in-your-face about being gay/lesbian really annoy me, like they believe that's their one qualifying feature. Way to be a background sitcom character, god. But then, I worry. I worry that it will get to a point where it's weird to bring it up, or people will start to assume otherwise and it makes it like I'm lying. I'm sick of lying, or misdirecting. But then, I worry! What if the actual coming out turns out badly? They're homophobic, or get weirded out, or get all aggressive and tell people I'm a megafag or whatever. I know it's ridiculous because I also say I don't care whether people know and don't care what other people think. I never said this would be logical.
I constantly worry about whether other people like me, whether my friends actually like me. Whether they just tolerate me. It's ridiculous! Am I so juvenile? I'll have a great time hanging out with someone and then afterwards, I'll worry that they did it out of pity or hated every moment of it, or regretted agreeing to it in the first place. ALL the time. And I'll read too much into it. They don't laugh at a joke I tell as much as I expected (hoped). I suggest something and they decline. Their facial expression doesn't seem RIGHT to me.
I was one of those kids in primary school who was fairly clever, and tried to cover being smarter than the other kids by being the clown. (That sounds so full of myself, saying I'm smarter. I was tested and shown as gifted as a kid, I guess I just absorbed things better or had a greater thirst for learning, I loved to read and write.) Sometimes I feel like cracking a constant stream of jokes is all I have to offer. I worry (I am enjoying these italics) that no other part of me is interesting to others beyond my ability to manipulate words and elicit a laugh. I feel like I don't have enough interests - I read and draw and play video games, not really a lot of outgoing, communal interests. I don't like going out on the town because I find it expensive and uninteresting most of the time, I don't play team sports (or any sports) and have a small circle of friends to begin with. I like them, sure! But I worry they don't like me. (Oops, didn't italicise. Don't go back, keep moving)
Funnily enough, I have the same quantifying characteristics for friends as I do for romantic interests. Sense of humour, preferably dark or at least borderline offensive. They have to laugh when I say funny things and get references I make. Willing to hang out and do nothing much, and not needing to be part of a huge crowd. I can confidently say that I would date any of my current friends quite happily, pending appropriate gender attraction. But that's the thing, sex isn't even that important to me. Honestly it's a lot of work, some softcore affection is all I really need. Yes I get sexual urges and whatever and this is going in a direction I didn't intend but sex is work and effort and I can't be bothered isn't once every week or fortnight or so enough? Bleh.
As for dating itself, the effort thing comes into it too. To date I need to meet people and that's HARD WORK again. I don't really know any gays and I'm pretty judgemental, I'll be honest. I'm strict with my criteria and I don't like really faggy dudes and I don't particularly like blokey dudes because I don't feel masculine enough next to that. I guess my preferred type is the metrosexual? As in, not afraid to be a bit gay but otherwise still a guy. He can dress like a normal person but still say how much he enjoys Glee. Seriously, all I listen to on my iPod over the last few months is Glee. That show is fucking awesome.
So yeah, have to meet people. And little things annoy me really easily! There was this guy recently and I think it was heading in a dating-y direction, but yeah. There were things that annoyed me. Weird laugh, not the right sense of humour. Boring job that he thought was exciting! And did that thing some people do where they try and educate you about things, explain what something fairly easy to comprehend is. I'm an adult for fuck's sake. I probably know what you mean and if I don't I WILL ASK YOU. Interested in the wrong type of music even though I don't have strong music tastes and answered text messages while we were hanging out, repeatedly. Save that shit for later! You're hanging out with me goddamnit, prioritise and don't be rude. SHIT. The sex was pretty good, though.
I also worry I get angry too easily.It's not so bad now but I still get angry pretty easily. Especially in crowds. I think I might have a crowd-based claustrophobia (is that even a thing?) that comes out as unrealistic levels of anger. I get stuck in a corwd and I curl in on myself and send hate rays at people in my way or who walk too slow or anything, really. I recently went into a McDonald's with my mum at night when it was all full up of noisy kids (I also hate teenagers, bunch of wankers) and she specifically said I sorta curled in on myself and looked very angry. I do get that way! I don't know why, it only seems to get worse as time goes by. I prefer to be by myself, but worry I'm alone too often.
I worry I have some mental problem or an undiagnosed social disorder or phobia that is fucking with me. But then, I went to see a shrink for a while after I got back from the US about my big freakout and I worried about coming across as weird or crazy... So I held myself back the first few sessions! What the HELL. Eventually my Who Gives a Fuck ruling came into play and I unleashed my organisational stuff on her (everything is alphaetised including DVD- Movies, DVD- Box Sets, games, books including seperation of fiction and nonfiction, the list goes on) and then worried it seemed petty or that she dismissed it or thought it was stupid. I still think I'm crazy, maybe. Is everyone this analytical of themselves? I wonder what anti-depressants or mood adjustment medication would do to me. Is there an anti-awkward medication, I would take some of that. I'd overdose on it.
There's also blah blah body issues and family blah and worries about not being retained at work after my 12 month contract ends even though I'm a good salesperson, but now I am worried this has gone on too long and that if there is anyone who reads my journal, they'll skip this cos it's too long.
- mood: other
So! New things have happened! Since last blog post I have:
- Completed probation at my new job. FULL EMPLOYEE STATUS EQUALS FREE INTERNET WOO
- Played many games. Bioshock 2, Dark Void, Darksiders, Crackdown, Mass Effect 2, Borderlands, Assassin's Creed II, Ratchet & Clank: A Crack in Time, inFamous, Brutal Legend, Wii Sports Resort, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, A Boy and His Blob, Trine, Flower, etc etc.
- Watched new TV shows. Cougar Town, Modern Family, Eli Stone, The Office, Accidentally on Purpose, FlashForward, Misfits, Caprica, Cleveland Show, V. Not all of these were kept on. Also watched new seasons of old shows of course. Some were not as good as they used to be coughCOUGHheroescough.
- Read a lot of books on buses, mostly Doctor Who and Torchwood. Nerd pride.
- Oh yeah and I moved out into my own place.
Yes! I live by myself in my own unit now, it is not the Ritz but it is mine and I enjoy it. Except for the near-constant hot weather since I moved here. Fuck you hot weather. But I have a bedroom and a living room and a fridge room and a kitchen and a washing machine and a backyard and my own washing line. It's pretty sweet. Did you know though, that every time you want food you have to buy and prepare it yourself? It's ridiculous! You also have to wash your own clothes if you want something to wear.
Jokes aside, being alone has taken some adjustment but I'm adapting well enough. Occasionally (often) I will forget to eat a meal but hey, it's using my crappy memory as a dieting method! That's something, right? I find I eat a lot more vegetables now. I get hankerings for like, carrots and corn. Weird. I'm also learning that I simply cannot eat full pack's worth of something before it is inedible. Milk, bread, cheese, apples, everything goes bad before I can actually finish it, such a waste. On the upside I now keep frozen meat/veg for the most part so meals are easy, and I don't do much shopping. I've been here maybe two months now and I've done two serious food shops, haha.
Other news: Fringe! The Fringe is starting again and this year I plan to go all out, there are approximately 17 (comedy) shows I want to see totalling about $350. Big hit for a three-week period but I think worth it. Seeing some bigger names like Fiona O'Loughlin, Josh Thomas and Claire Hooper, and then a bunch of smaller stuff that looks interesting, including Deanne Smith who I saw last year who was funny. Gotta start booking them all in for timetabling, so many shows! Good thing I work in the city now, the only travel issue is getting home after.. Buses yaaay.
I think that's about all the interesting stuff for now really... Oh, I had sex a couple times these last few weeks, so that was a nice change of pace.
- location:Australia, Adelaide
- mood: amused
- music:Skullcrusher Mountain - Jonathan Coulton
First things first: I quit Woolworths! Second thing first: I got a new job!
So, yeah. This Monday I start work at my new job as a Customer Services Officer in the Sales department for Internode, one of our major ISPs. Hooray! This is the ISP we are with anyway, so I am a bit familiar with them already. Also their offices are themed orange after their logo, so you know I'm gonna like that. I get to sit down at work! NO TROLLEYS! I get weekends! I get more money! Hooray! I earn like twice as much!
Seriously, last financial year I think I made... $21,000? Maybe? This job is full time, and pays $39,000. But it didn't start at that... When I first got the interview they said 37k, then when I HAD the interview it was 37.5k, but when I got the letter of offer and contract in the mail yesterday, it was up to 39. I'm not complaining! That means about $750 per week before tax, so woo me. I don't know if I can even spend that much a week. I can certainly try, but it's unfamiliar. (So many things I've wanted to buy that I now can, yay)
And a follow-up to having so much more money coming in now, is that I can afford to move out! Luckily, Lachie and his brother need to find a new place at the moment (serendipitous!) as their other roommate is getting married and taking over their house. Jess, who's studying in Sweden at the moment, also wants to move out once she gets back from there at the end of the year, so the four of us are looking to find a place. We put an offer in on a place this week that will be pretty cool if we get it. Nice big old place, big rooms, high ceilings, wood floors. Don't wanna jinx it, but I'm hopeful. WE offered a little extra on the rent to try and get it too.
So yeah! Exciting things are afoot. I am in a very positive mindset right now. I'm glad more than ever I came back from the US early, otherwise this all wouldn't have happened - I wasn't due back until the 16th of next month. Now I'm gainfully employed, on the way to paying off my debts, AND moving out. I will try to remember to update with details of new job after the first few days. BE EXCITED INTERNET!
- location:Australia, Northgate
- mood: excited
- music:Glee Cast - Somebody to Love
So in the end I organised to come home. Thanks to everyone who offered words of support: tvini, longlongwaytogo, Friend Mel, Friend Lachie, Friend Jess, and of course my family. Also to the folks at the camp itself who listened to my concerns and assured me I wasn't just making up reasons to leave. In the end I think I made the right choice, for me, and from the moment I left the camp I started to feel better. Kind of a lame, fell-on-its-face adventure, but that's just how I (seem to) roll. I don't think I made the wrong choice, because each time I've thought about what I would be doing right now if I'd stayed, I'm relieved to be here instead.
After I got back to New York I met up with Daniel from school who was in New York at the time, as I mentioned. Dumped my luggage at his hotel room, went for some lunch and looked to organise somewhere to stay myself. Ended up saying at the Wyndham Garden Hotel, not far from Times Square.. Expensive but I was on the 19th floor and had a cool view. Stayed two nights in the end, spent the days exploring with Daniel which was just the distraction I needed to re-centre myself before going home. We did the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, the subway, all that stuff. Also walked, A LOT. Wow New York is big, I only ended up exploring on one half of the island.
Anyways, NY was fun, then it was flying back to LA where I had the biggest shit-fit of a time with delays and reroutes - moral of the story was NEVER FLY DELTA OH GOD. Flight was delayed by 6.5 hours and I missed my international connection. Got Delta to put me up at the Hilton overnight as my new flight was exactly 24 hours later. I was not going to sit in an airport from 3am until 11.30 the next night!
V Australia was awesome, the plane ride home was great. Comfy seats and space to move, cos my neighbouring seat was empty... FREE entertainment on the seat-back video screen, bunch of movies and TV that kept me occupied. Also shaved off about 7 hours with a well-placed Nyquil dosage, hurrah.
So in the end I got to Syndey, flew on to Adelaide and came home. Relaxed and slept a lot for a few days, all was well. My sister was really aggressive at me when I returned, I don't think she got the whole 'paralysing homesickness' thing. Or maybe she was just pissed she wouldn't have the car to herself for a few months, who knows. Since then, I have been jobhunting, and haven't actually told work I'm back, let alone gone into work. I don't really want to until I have new work, and can walk in and quit. Technically I'm still on leave until October so I don't HAVE to go back there... But I will run out of money soonish, I think. Necessity may dictate my return, ugh.
Other than that, been catching up with friends, gaming and watching DVDs. Need to get back to the gym... Hmm. Also rearranged my room drastically, and like the result. Replaced a huge bookshelf and a desk with one low, wide new bookshelf which is doubling as my desk. Makes a lot more space.
I think that's all for now... Hooray! Can you tell I'm happier now?
- location:Australia, Adelaide
- mood: relaxed
Ugh. OK, just had a complete meltdown about being in the US! I got to camp just before lunch today and had lunch, not knowing anyone really, and got put in a bunkhouse with a bunch of dudes who have been here a week at least already and they all know each other and are from the same country and don't know me and there's no Australians around and now that I'm here, the prospect of being stuck, at camp, for two months is just suffocating me! whine.
After calling Daniel about not being able to meet him in New York at all, I tried to get some sleep in the bunkhouse/cabin to make up for lost sleep. I ended up waking up sweating and panicked, and proceeded to come and bawwww my face off at the nice Australian camp leader person and told her I'm not prepared for this all. It's so ridiculous! I walked out of the cabin all composed and ready to say I can't do this and 100 metres later I walk in and choked up. God damn.
She's suggested I give it a couple days first - the kids don't arrive until July 2nd - but I don't think I can go through with this. It was fine when it was far away, I figured I'd slog through camp and enjoy the after, but camp is NINE FUGGIN WEEKS! How did I glaze over that. Also this camp is Jewish-friendly/kosher and caters to ADD/ADHD/Asperger's kids. Not prepared for this.
OK, so points against:
- I hate meeting new people.
- I don't like children.
- I can't deal with kids, let alone kids with learning disabilities.
- I don't have the skill set to cater to their needs.
- I don't like SUMMER WEATHER!
- I don't really have enough money to stretch across the travel after camp, even staying at cheap hostels and stuff. Especially going to Sweden at the end, which is super expensive.
- I have nobody familiar with me to talk to.
- As a result if I get stuck or in trouble or lost I have nobody to help me know what to do.
- I want to try American foods?
- I thought it'd be cool to visit Jess/hang out with Daniel overseas.
- Having foreign shirts so I could brag about having been to X place.
- Fancy Twitter posts.
- I like flying in planes.
Aughhhhh. I am so not at ease now. And I blubbered in front of strangers, what. Hhhhh. Guess I'll give it a couple days and decide but I don't think I can do it. I am not prepared to deal with this level of independence!
Comments, suggestions, advice all welcome. Please.
- mood: abject terror
Americans! As of this Friday I will be in your country, for four months! I'm working at summer camp for two months, but the rest of the time I'll be travelling around wherever I like. I would love to have any of the following:
- People to visit/show me around where they live!
- Places recommended to visit!
- Cheap accommodation tips oh god
- Travel companions or free accommodation! (I am barely financed for this trip)
- Any good conventions between July and the end of September?
I know I'll be in New York a while, and my trip ends by flying out of LAX so if anyone's in New York or LA and can show me round I'd be extremely grateful. Especially! I'm stuck in LAX on Friday the 19th, this Friday, from 10.30am till 10.30pm waiting for my next flight. Anybody willing to go to a movie/shopping/exploring to waste some of that time? Pleeease. Do no want sitting in airport for 12 hours.
Hints? Tips? Reccommendations? All welcome!
- mood: excited
00:28 Pressing the eBay "Commit to Buy" button is kind of a thrill. Is that lame? #
10:15 Hey, know what happens when you consistently chat up the guy at EB Games? You get a discount on your games, that's what! #
13:01 Woop woop! Just got approved for my first credit card. SWEET. #This cheater's form of blogging, shipped direct to you by LoudTwitter.
19:44 Games I have crossed off my 'to-finish' list today: Star Wars Force Unleashed (360), Fallout 3 (PS3). Next up, Dark Sector (PS3). #
19:44 Does anyone know of a website where you can track what games you have, and which ones you've finished? #
22:14 Damnit! My eyes started watering to a painful degree (eyes sealed shut) while playing Dark Sector! This is like the 3rd time for that game. #
22:30 Finished watching through all DVDs of Family Guy. Next up: American Dad, Star Trek:TNG/DS9, or Greek? Help decide, Internet! #LoudTwitter.
22:02 Yess! Another shelf bites the dust. And by 'bites the dust', I mean 'is filled entirely with DVD box sets'. 3 to go until it's stuffed full! #LoudTwitter.
09:47 Hey Twitter. While I'm in USA I'll need a trimmed-down Twitlist so I can keep up. You're all lovely but I can't keep up! Welcome @travelponk #
09:52 I'm adding a handful of people, but if you wanna keep up a dialogue while I'm overseas, let me know! #
18:56 Does anybody know where it's cheapest to get those "Heaps Good" SA tshirts here in #Adelaide? #HeapsGood #LoudTwitter.
00:05 S2 The Guild DVD extra: Complete reenactment of David Hasselhoff's drunken YouTube video by Felicia 'Codex' Day! #theguild #
15:31 Fallout 3 DLC is finally coming to PS3! Thank god. I got more angry every time I heard one being announced for every other platform. #LoudTwitter.
19:04 Flights are booked! Making the second-half payment tomorrow. Exciting! Exactly one month till I fly away from here. #
19:07 I'm leaving on a jet plane, finally know when I'll be back again! #LoudTwitter.
01:42 1:40 and LOST is finally downloaded! I have to be up at 7:30 to get ready and head to the airport but I'm GONNA WATCH IT NOW ANYWAY #
03:14 Just finished LOST finale. Wow. Wow. ...What the hell just happened? Wow. What's the significance of the title card? #LoudTwitter.
02:40 I'm watching the pilot for Star Trek: TNG and I gotta say, their timing's soo bad. A lot of the shots just last that bit too long... #
14:05 Dangit, I'm going to be in Melbourne Fri-Sun, I won't get to download the finales of Smallville, Supernatural AND 30 Rock until Sunday night #
14:11 At least I get the Lost finale tonight! Yay. Can't wait to see what kind of cliffhanger we'll be left on! #
15:38 #LOST finale, you had better be ready by the time I get home from work... YOU HAVE 6 HOURS TO GO FROM 16% TO 100% #
21:45 DAMNIT LOST I TOLD YOU TO BE READY WHEN I GOT HOME. No fishcuit for you! #
23:35 Yes, Lost! We like the fast download speed. It's better than slow. Go fast! #This cheater's form of blogging, shipped direct to you by LoudTwitter.
23:47 Every time I look at my Canvas Wall I get all happy again. Hee hee, so purty. #
23:54 Whenever I watch Buffy ep "Once More With Feeling", I find myself wishing the Singing Demon would change his suit colour more than once. #This cheater's form of blogging, shipped direct to you by LoudTwitter.
11:21 I just picked up my canvas photo prints! Holy shit they are huge. #
21:41 Home again, home again. Big Bang Theory time! Then, hanging canvas prints. #This cheater's form of blogging, shipped direct to you by LoudTwitter.
00:08 Just finished #Dollhouse. Wooow. God I hope there's a season 2. And, totally calling it: Whiskey is totally Topher's sister. #
01:33 Catsphere looks on from its sleeping spot. Catsphere does not approve when I move the bed. #
14:41 La la la. Burnin' my new DVDs, gonna burn 'em good, file them into my DVD shelves, really improves my mood #LoudTwitter.
02:41 Every time I wash my favourite Comfy Shirt, it gets more and more threadbare. Soon I'll wash it and it won't come out again... #
02:44 Also, TV Tropes is a dangerous thing to start reading. I think I read about ten pages of tropes tonight. #
20:36 Cursebird: @ponk swears like an Enthusiastic Porn Star! Ranked: 44,872nd worldwide. #
20:40 GOD DAMNIT, JUST DOWNLOAD ALREADY #DOLLHOUSE. I MUST WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. #This cheater's form of blogging, shipped direct to you by LoudTwitter.
01:09 "Why ARE we going to see Jacob?" "So I can kill him." Ahh Locke, you crazy bitch. #LOST #
01:20 I love unwrapping new DVDs. Almost as much as I love filing them into my alphabetical shelving system. #
17:55 I've been saving the new DVDs I bought (4400 season 3&4) til after I finish season 1 tonight to file them into my shelving. I'm weird. #LoudTwitter.
01:02 OMG #Fringe got renewed for a second season! Thank you, merciful television gods. #
19:24 Just watched the #Scrubs finale. Scrubs is finished. Wow. #LoudTwitter.
00:25 Anyone remember The 4400? Yeah, bought the first two seasons, now to start watching. #
00:31 feel like eating some raw 2-minute noodles. Be right back... #
15:41 Hmmm, Buffy Season 8 Vol 1-3 for $60 total on eBay. Hmmmm. #
15:43 Dudes, the way my flights are looking for America/Sweden, it looks like I'll be in GERMANY for OKTOBERFEST. What the what! #
16:10 Bum badabum badabum bum shiny scalpel! Bum badabum bada gonna slice him good! #LoudTwitter.
00:39 "Find out next time, on DRAGON. BALL. ZEEEEEE." #
02:09 Does anyone remember when my dad's birthday is? Cos I sure as hell don't. #LoudTwitter.
00:40 Guys, #help! #Windows #Vista has reverted to a Windows Classic type theme for some reason on startup, and the vista theme doesn't come up! #
11:55 #American folks! What is the recommended #cheap #flights website for flights within America? We have webjet.com.au, what's yours? #
11:55 Also, who can recommend an #iPhone #app for finding #hotels? Just in #America would be OK, or something world wide is awesome. #
22:24 Twitter! What site do YOU recommend for booking airfares? #This cheater's form of blogging, shipped direct to you by LoudTwitter.
00:30 Saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine tonight. IT was... Pretty good! Didn't have the 'epic' shaping of the trilogy, but that worked out well. #
00:31 Also, on #Dollhouse: Man but Alan Tudyk has beefed up! #
00:33 And GODDDD but I cannot wait for the 'finale' next week. #
00:42 Been thinking about how to organise my DVDs/book series. Chronologic-story or chronologic-release? I'm angling for release. #OCD #helpme #
11:57 Something's wrong with my #Vista... All the pretty window styles are gone and they won't come back! #LoudTwitter.